Are you giving employees the feedback they need to improve—or just telling them what they want to hear?
Many leaders avoid difficult conversations because they don’t want to damage relationships, discourage employees, or create conflict. But when feedback becomes too vague, overly softened, or buried between compliments, it can do more harm than good.
In this episode of 90th Percentile Leadership, BreAnne Okoren and leadership expert Joe Folkman explore why employees often want more corrective feedback than their managers are willing to give.
Drawing on Zenger Folkman research, Joe reveals that 57% of employees prefer corrective feedback over praise, 72% believe their performance would improve with more corrective feedback, and 92% agree that appropriately delivered corrective feedback can help them improve.
You’ll discover why the traditional feedback sandwich often fails, how to distinguish constructive candor from criticism, and what leaders can do to make difficult conversations more productive.
Through practical examples and research-backed insights, BreAnne and Joe demonstrate how to deliver feedback that is specific, respectful, and actionable—without sacrificing trust or positive relationships.
Because effective feedback isn’t about being nice or being tough. It’s about helping people get better.
Turn Better Feedback Into Better Performance
Giving effective feedback is a skill—and one that every leader can develop.
Zenger Folkman’s Elevating Feedback™ and The Extraordinary Coach™ programs equip leaders with research-backed frameworks, practical tools, and real-world practice to make difficult conversations more productive.
Whether you’re developing individual managers or building a stronger feedback culture across your organization, discover how Zenger Folkman can help.
BreAnne Okoren (00:04)
Welcome to the 90th percentile, Insights Backed by Data. I’m BreAnne Okoren I’m here with leading psychometrician and leadership expert Joe Folkman. And today’s episode is your feedback is too nice to be useful. We’re talking about the conversations leaders avoid, the feedback employees actually want to get out of their leaders, and how to see something difficult without
BreAnne Okoren (00:28)
Damaging the person you’re trying to help. Because Joe, I think people too often aren’t getting the feedback they need. And I want to start with a question that honestly makes me a little uncomfortable. When I soften feedback because I don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings, am I protecting them or am I protecting myself?
Joe Folkman (00:49)
sometimes you’re doing both. you may care deeply about the person, but you may also be trying to avoid an uncomfortable reaction. It helps to ask after this conversation, will they understand what needs to change? If the answer is no, your good intentions haven’t helped.
Joe Folkman (01:11)
it’s interesting because we we really want people to do a good job, but we don’t want to hurt their feelings. And so there is a tendency from most of us to soften things, to make it sound like they did okay. We’ll say, yeah, you did okay. But it it wasn’t direct feedback and it wasn’t okay.
BreAnne Okoren (01:31)
Yeah, and we want to protect the relationship because you’re like, I’ve I see this person every day. It’s not like I can just say what I really think and I never have to deal with them again, right?
BreAnne Okoren (01:42)
Do you think that that factors into why we aren’t so forthright?
Joe Folkman (01:47)
Well absolutely. And again, people don’t want to confront, they don’t want to have an awkward conversation and they don’t want to be seen as dismissive or more of a driver and a a negative person.
BreAnne Okoren (02:03)
So you and Jack wrote an article for Harvard Business Review about employees wanting, and I’m gonna emphasize that word, wanting the negative feedback that managers just hate to give. And this was something that was really kind of shocking to a lot of people. The numbers that you put out there, they challenge what a lot of us assume. So tell us a little bit more about your research and that article and how it came about.
Joe Folkman (02:28)
So this was a survey that we had given to nine eight hundred and ninety-nine people.
Joe Folkman (02:35)
Now, fifty-seven percent say they prefer corrective feedback over praise and recognition. In other words, fifty-seven percent are saying, you know, I I want corrective feedback, right?
BreAnne Okoren (02:48)
That’s pretty high.
Joe Folkman (02:50)
Yeah. But seventy-two percent believe their performance would improve if their manager provided corrective feedback.
Joe Folkman (02:59)
To explain what we meant by corrective feedback, we meant suggestions for improvement, exploring better ways of doing something, pointing out what they could have been more effective doing. we weren’t asking people if they enjoyed being insulted.
BreAnne Okoren (03:14)
Yes, thank you for clarifying that. Just being like, that was awful. That is not corrective feedback. That’s not helpful feedback. That’s just rude. And that will damage a relationship. They wanted help getting better. It’s not just you’re like, yeah, it was fine. It seems like they don’t care when you say that. So they weren’t asking for a boss who makes them feel terrible.
Joe Folkman (03:36)
Right, and it’s interesting because ninety-two percent agreed that corrective feedback could help them improve performance if delivered appropriately. now, that condition matters, the appropriateness of the feedback. The survey tells us that what people believe or
Joe Folkman (03:54)
preferred. It doesn’t mean every difficult s conversation will produce performance improvement.
BreAnne Okoren (04:01)
Yeah. So I think a manager hears people prefer corrective feedback and they might feel they’ve been given permission to be tough, but that skips the delivered appropriately part, like you said.
Joe Folkman (04:17)
Yeah, it it does. It you still have to be accurate, you still have
BreAnne Okoren (04:20)
Mm-hmm.
Joe Folkman (04:21)
to listen, and the person needs to understand how feedback will help them succeed.
Joe Folkman (04:27)
Being uncomfortable doesn’t automatically make feedback feel valuable.
BreAnne Okoren (04:31)
wise words right there.
BreAnne Okoren (04:33)
Joe, what are the signs that feedback has maybe become to softened?
Joe Folkman (04:40)
Well, one sign is that the employees need to decode it. So if you say to somebody,
BreAnne Okoren (04:45)
Mm.
Joe Folkman (04:46)
be a little more strategic, try
BreAnne Okoren (04:48)
Yeah.
Joe Folkman (04:49)
to show more leadership, maybe be more mindful. These phrases might introduce a topic, but they don’t explain the behavior. Another
BreAnne Okoren (04:59)
Mm.
Joe Folkman (04:59)
sign that you’re minimizing real expectations
Joe Folkman (05:03)
If the report must arrive on Thursday, it would be nice if you get it to me a little sooner. Doesn’t communicate that deadline.
BreAnne Okoren (05:12)
Yeah, and then
BreAnne Okoren (05:13)
it’s not fair because they didn’t get it to you when exactly when you need it, but you didn’t tell them that. And that’s hard because you’re not saying everything that the person really does need to hear. I hear myself in that one. You wanna sound pleasant, so you turn a requirement into this soft suggestion, and then you’re frustrated when they treat it as optional.
Joe Folkman (05:35)
And you can fix that without being harsh. A report needs to reach me by noon Thursday so I can review it before Friday’s meeting. That’s clear and that’s respectful.
BreAnne Okoren (05:47)
Okay, what about I’m gonna bring this up because it’s talked about a lot and I know you have opinions on it. The feedback sandwich. Praise, criticism, praise. a lot of managers were taught that over past decades, that that was the considerate way to do it. That if I’m gonna get feedback, I have to, you know, praise and criticism, praise. What do you think?
Joe Folkman (06:11)
Ask whether the employee can identify the message. Genuine praise is valuable, but if you use it mainly to disguise concern, the person may only hear the praise or start wondering whether every compliment is leading up to a criticism. I’d rather be clear about the purpose of the conversation.
BreAnne Okoren (06:32)
Yeah, and I think that happens. It’s just like if you if we get that so often and your boss comes to you and they start complimenting you, you’re like, no, it’s coming. What it’s coming. What are they gonna say to me that’s negative because they just gave me a compliment?
BreAnne Okoren (06:47)
So if someone did a presentation with excellent research and an unclear recommendation, both things can be true. You can name that you know, did a great job without canceling that one out.
Joe Folkman (07:00)
Yes, you can say the research gave us a strong understanding of the problem. The recommendation needs to be clear so we can make a decision. Then explain what clear recommendation would include.
BreAnne Okoren (07:14)
Yeah, that’s that’s the line I want to draw. Candor gives someone information that they can use, that’s helpful, but cruelty makes a judgment about who they are. It’s not helpful. and that’s when you get into problems.
Joe Folkman (07:30)
there’s a helpful distinction. You’re careless is a judgment.
BreAnne Okoren (07:34)
Mm.
Joe Folkman (07:35)
The last report had three figures that didn’t match the source data. That’s an observation. We can examine that together. And if you’re wrong about those figures, the person can show you. a character label is much harder to discuss.
BreAnne Okoren (07:52)
It’s not calling somebody out on on who they are, which means specifically also it makes the manager accountable. You have to bring something more useful than just irritation to the table.
Joe Folkman (08:06)
Yeah, exactly. And prepare an example. Explain its
BreAnne Okoren (08:10)
Mm-hmm.
Joe Folkman (08:10)
effect and leave the room and learn something that you didn’t know.
BreAnne Okoren (08:15)
I think it’d be helpful for us to do a quick feedback rewrite. So same problem, three different versions. An employee interrupts colleagues during team meetings. So version one, you bring so much energy to the team.
BreAnne Okoren (08:28)
maybe just a little more mindful of how you participate, but we love your enthusiasm. If I’m the employee, I might think you want me to talk slightly less. Or maybe you just complimented my energy, right?
Joe Folkman (08:43)
There’s no clear example and no clear request.
BreAnne Okoren (08:45)
Yeah. Yeah.
Joe Folkman (08:47)
the employees just has to guess.
BreAnne Okoren (08:50)
And that’s why, gosh, this is why we sell so many feedback workshops because giving feedback is is a skill. And we have to refine that skill. leaders need to. Okay, version two, same situation. Let’s this is the feedback. You dominate every meeting. You need to stop being so inconsiderate. How about that?
Joe Folkman (09:10)
boy, that’s sweeping language and a judgment
BreAnne Okoren (09:12)
Ouch.
Joe Folkman (09:13)
about their motives, isn’t it?
Joe Folkman (09:15)
You’ve made it easier for them to argue with you than to understand the behavior.
Joe Folkman (09:20)
The person might remember a meeting where they barely spoke up and start to defend themselves.
BreAnne Okoren (09:26)
Okay, yeah. So version three, feedback three. In Tuesday’s planning meeting, you started speaking while Maya was still explaining her proposal and again before Daniel finished his answer. And we didn’t hear any of their ideas fully.
BreAnne Okoren (09:44)
At our next meeting, I’d like you to let people finish before responding. what was happening from your perspective?
Joe Folkman (09:50)
That gives us something to work with. You’ve identified the setting, described what you observed, explained the effect, and made a request. Then you’ve invited their perspective. you haven’t had to guess whether they intended to be inconsiderate.
BreAnne Okoren (10:05)
Let’s say, what if the employee says back? Well, I was trying to save time. Those meetings go on forever. Now what do I say?
Joe Folkman (10:12)
Well you can acknowledge that concern without dropping the expectation. I understand. You’re trying to keep us moving. we still need to hear people’s ideas. Let’s talk about a way we can manage time that doesn’t involve speaking over them.
BreAnne Okoren (10:27)
And that feels different from giving feedback and waiting for them to admit you’re right.
Joe Folkman (10:32)
It is. Agreement about every detail may take time.
Joe Folkman (10:36)
You’re trying to understand the situation and establish how the work will happen going forward.
BreAnne Okoren (10:42)
So let’s talk about trust. If I only hear from my manager when something goes wrong, I’m probably bracing myself every time they say this phrase. Do you have a minute?
Joe Folkman (10:54)
Yeah, th that’s why regular specific recognition matters. In
BreAnne Okoren (10:58)
Mm-hmm.
Joe Folkman (10:59)
a separate study of 328 managers, we compared their own assessments with the feedback of others. Others’ judgment of helpful feedback were closely connected to a manager’s willingness to provide positive reinforcement.
Joe Folkman (11:14)
Leaders can underestimate how much that matters.
BreAnne Okoren (11:17)
Which
BreAnne Okoren (11:17)
keeps us from taking this episode title in the wrong direction. Too nice to be useful does not mean stop giving praise. That is not what we’re saying.
Joe Folkman (11:30)
If the conversation gets too emotional, be productive, agree on a time to return to it, a pause will help you take a next step.
BreAnne Okoren (11:40)
I agree that we that sometimes when emotions are high, the it’s not gonna be productive. We need to stop, we need to take some time to really process everything, and it’ll be a much better conversation.
BreAnne Okoren (11:54)
Joe, I think we need to leave listeners with something they can do this week. how about you think of one conversation that you’ve been postponing? We all have one, or five, or ten, or one piece of feedback that maybe you’ve softened so much that the person that you gave that feedback to just doesn’t understand it at all. before you talk.
BreAnne Okoren (12:14)
You’re gonna write down the behavior you observed, why it matters, and what you want to see next. then plan a question that allows the other person to have the room that they need to explain. When you prepare for this type of feedback and these type of conversations, it goes so much better than just trying to think of it on the fly.
Joe Folkman (12:35)
Yeah, if you read your opening out loud and if it contains the words always, never or a
BreAnne Okoren (12:42)
Mm-hmm.
Joe Folkman (12:42)
judgment about the person’s character, look for a more accurate description. If it’s so gentle that they can’t identify the request, make a request clearer.
BreAnne Okoren (12:53)
And this isn’t just for work. This is for all aspects of your life and giving feedback, right? And and you can choose one issue. You don’t have to bring up six months of frustration to this meeting. One thing. One thing. Don’t dump on a person.
Joe Folkman (13:10)
Yeah, that’s right. And leave with the next step and time to make some progress If the person makes the change, notice it specifically.
BreAnne Okoren (13:19)
also challenge us to give one specific piece of recognition this week because just as important as that corrective feedback we’ve talked about, the research shows is the recognition. Tell someone what they did that helped. So they know what to repeat. That is just as valuable.
Joe Folkman (13:38)
that’s true. That keeps the goal in view. We want people to understand their work and improve it.
Joe Folkman (13:45)
But recognition and correction can help them do that.
BreAnne Okoren (13:49)
So for anyone listening who leads a team, here’s the question I’m taking away. Does my feedback make the next step clearer? Or does it just make the conversation easier for me? Write that question down. Ask it to yourself. Challenge yourself because often we’re just trying to make it easier on ourselves and it’s not helping that other person the way it needs to. Joe, what is your final thought?
Joe Folkman (14:17)
you can care about someone and tell them something difficult. Take the time to prepare, listen to their perspective, and help them work out what comes next. That’s a more useful expression of caring than leaving them to guess.
BreAnne Okoren (14:34)
Thank
BreAnne Okoren (14:35)
you, Joe. We’ll include the research that we quoted in this article and information about Zenger Folkman’s extraordinary coach program in our show notes for this episode for those leaders who want to practice these conversations with their teams. Thank you for listening to 90th Percentile Leadership Insights Backed by Data.
